Subscribe Now
Buy deviantWEAR
Advertise Here
[x]
All Deviations
All Deviations

Garage Night Dysphoria by ~KcsFiest:iconKcsFiest:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Open


I spoke to you,
in silence,
reverence dripping from
the rusted husk of,
my shuttered mouth.
My voice echoed,
(a true cacophony!)
above the heady stench
of go-kart oil
and
quiet dreams of youth,
barely lived.
But in all the dead-air,
I can’t say you heard me.

My arms, my hands were,
frantic, amongst a pile of,
mortar and stone,
struggling, with
weakened bone and sinew,
to become a castle,
of your own;
Protection against an
unforgiving onslaught of,
saline and rabid disquietude.
But in all the shaking,
I can’t say you felt me.
©2007-2008 ~KcsFiest
Details
Submitted: July 10, 2007
File Size: 796 bytes
Image Size: 0 bytes
Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 4
Favourites & Collections: 0

Views
Total: 51
Today: 0

Downloads
Total: 0
Today: 0

Thumb

Author's Comments

I was itching to write but was stoppered by writer's block (which I have quite often sadly). Finally, unable to bear it I pulled a random memory out of my arse and made myself write about it. It turned out to be a very emotionally driven piece about how I view my ineffectiveness about consoling and showing care to the person I truly love with everything I have in me, when he needed me. Probably not my best work but hopefully it blew the cork on this stubborn blockage of mine.
[x]

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

~GoldenAngel3341:iconGoldenAngel3341: Jul 10, 2007, 8:39:53 PM
wow, this is splendid. took my breath away. Your good at this stuff.

--
My little joke:Trip,Trip,Trip!Now that you read this you are going to trip, because I'm a witch. (Need a better signature please!)
~KcsFiest:iconKcsFiest: Jul 10, 2007, 9:23:35 PM
Why, thank you. :) I do try.

--
-Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. -Robert Heinlein

Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance - M. C. Richards
~saartha:iconsaartha: Jul 12, 2007, 11:48:24 AM
You've got some very nice descriptions going on. I particularly like 'reverence dripping from/the rusted husk of/my shuttered mouth.' Great imagery.
Was there a purpose to the unnecessary punctuation? For example, why did you put a comma after the first line when, grammatically, it doesn't need one?
I'm not too fond of the parenthesis phrase in line 7. It stands out too much for my tastes. If it were me, I'd write 'My voice echoed/cacophonously'. But, that's personal preference. I've got a thing against parenthesis.
All in all, a very nice poem.
~KcsFiest:iconKcsFiest: Jul 12, 2007, 12:08:51 PM
I tend to write poems how I would read them aloud and so I tend to end up with commas or other punctuation in certain places where others would not deem them necessary.
As for the parenthesis, I am inclined to agree with you about how it stands out but that was the purpose. It was meant to exacerbate the loudness of said voice.

Thank you for such a keen analysis. :) Much enjoyed.

--
-Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. -Robert Heinlein

Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance - M. C. Richards
Previous Page        Next Page
Sign up to leave feedback! <3
©2008 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy